An interesting topic arises during dinner with a new friend last night.
We're the thirty-something single women in Jakarta who were very fortunate to sipped overseas life during our childhood/adolescent years. There were we, having our sushi treats, discussing about culture shock in our country, tolerance, and partnership.
I guess, if we were back to London or Melbourne, thirty-something is your mature age to spike-up your career lives with minor disruptions from nagging family to get married or to breed.
I was her, at some point, I guess.
Disagreeing to eastern culture that women has to be married at certain age and breed.
The option should be there, of course, but to wed and breed are not your only option. This was me, I guess.
At the end of the day, you can't help but to notice an irresistible temptation crawling into your life. It's called, being lonely. Sometimes, having a partner, regardless the long-term purpose, short-term is to have a companion. Lucu juga semalam dengan jujur merespon tentang kesepian. Jujur itu memang menakutkan ya!
Ergo my conclusion about my present life, finding a partner can be equal portion to spike-up your career. At the end of the day, you are aware that loneliness as a significant element in life that you want to minimize its portion.Perhaps finding long-term companion should have equal effort as to better career.
Friends may be the best companion, in sickness and health, but they do have their own family as priority and we need to understood that. Family, they can be too dysfunctional and tolerance is on high alert.
I guess, partner is whom you can share all of these - being dysfunctional, tolerable, the bestest companion, priority. but all in all, going through all of these, are as it is, without pressure from one another.
Tolerance, until how far?
Loneliness, to what portion are bearable?
on partnership and being lonely
a new perspective from here on end
so, the ending 2012 was a ......
blessing in disguise.
my spiritual journey has just begun from that day on, despite all the 'gift' Allah has given me, I understood the purpose of it all.
Believing greatness will come out of this, was very difficult to digest at the beginning.
Now I believe, eventually, slowly, I will be there.
Of all the secrets I carry about his past, with anger and hatred I can destroy a person's life into lowest gutter.
But I fear, I fear that doing so won't bring me contentment. It could bring me to much lowest level than him.
I fear, revenge is a spiteful thing.
Instead, I wrap all of these inside and deliver them through my prayers.
Let Him work His fairness.
Forgiving isn't easy but tired of anger and hatred.
Lessons learned. A life lesson, spiritual beginning and a never-ending patience.
I'm my mum's daughter, through and through.
Had to learn from the hard-way, but am grateful to eternity for this 'blessing'.
InshaAllah I will have my mum's never-ending patience and strong endurance. Amin..
Does happiness just around the corner?
This afternoon I suddenly reminded of my old dream.
The dream long forgotten.
Back in the glory of Melbourne, my life was simple.
Days gone by with one purpose in life, seeking happiness.
My ultimate goal.
That simple goal seems forgotten while I'm busy scrapping through chaotic Jakarta.
Then, he happened to appear out of nowhere as well.
Never say love cures all madness and happiness is a given. Nope, at least not in my love story.
Love is messy to my vocabulary.
Although Jason Mraz does say love is a beautiful mess, but I like things at its order. Including Love.
Him and I, paddling through murky water for seven long months. Together.
Sometimes, him alone and I sat back.
While my mind is full of consideration of one, two, three.
I'm forgetting one thing, my ultimate goal.
Happiness.
I should not think but one.
Will he be my happiness?
with all that he is.
Convincing myself is frustrating.
When I have the answer, happiness is just around the corner and up for grabs.
Thus Love, worry not.
For heart shortly convinced.
when time comes.
when complicated becomes uncertain
6 months.
it's nothing compared to what others have walked through.
the beginning was harmless. innocent. complicated.
as the road becomes long and winding, so is the journey.
we're heading towards the same aim, but when the road will end, I am not too sure.
This is when complicated becomes uncertain.
When the path ends, another journey will begin.
Am I ready to be on that journey?
with him, all of him.
2012 is around the corner..
Just few hours approaching to 2012.
Prophecy said it's the end of the world.
So what can we expect when the clock countdown to 00.00?
Are we still preparing any 2012 resolutions?
I do.
I didn't really remember the prophecy. So for this once, I envisioned my future plan, believing this could be it. The one that is proposed to me, for my future. InsyaAllah, that is.
Everything seems at its' place.
Having him in a different city.. has its course.
Having him in my life, has set a whole different perspective.
It would be time for me to deal with 'things', those I was escaping from.
The future I've never had in mind before.
It may not be exactly the future I'll walk through, but, envisioning it now as such is already a different story to my previous mindset.
I was't prepared for this, but now I know I'm ready for this.
To be with him, to be in a different city, to be in a completely different career.
Hold on, I'm not getting married. Nuoh! not yet.
Bismillah I'm walking towards the purpose that my family wants, especially my mum.
Maybe it's my life purpose. No matter how much I've refused to obey, at the end of the day, I know that I have to do this. I was meant to do this.
Bismillahirohmanirrohim, I surrender all thoughts and effort to You. Should this be the life purpose You gave me, I'll make my best effort to pursue what is given to me. Should this be the right course I'm supposed to walk on to, I'll walk this through with love and contentment. Finally, I've made peace (or towards that). InsyaAllah, with support from all my loved ones.
2012, another life chapter to be written.
Let's do this with all heart's content.
Then there is us.
2011 is coming to its end.
Before we say farewell, a recap wouldnt be much harmful, would it?
2011 played a roller coaster emotion in my life. Learning all kinds of emotion. The closure on a dear loved one is the beginning of another enormous feeling i have never experienced before.
My plans... Ah, screw them.
2011.. is unexpectedly a year full of self-reflect.
I bid goodbye to melbourne this year. This time is for real. I chose jakarta, with all my heart's content.
I wont forget how it raised me.
2011...
is when him and I become us. An old friend coming out of the blue..
We still have a long road ahead. We're parted by different cities. We're 2 very different individuals. We live in a very opposite lives. Him and i to become us wasnt a smooth ride. But i'm very grateful that he wants to be by my side. Regardless.
Our story is just a baby. Tiny and fragile.
Hopefully, our prayers will bring us to a strong and mature lifelong journey. InsyaAllah, amin.
2011,
Thank you.
To have helped me to choose people over place.
I left my adolescence in melbourne. I will live my adulthood in indonesia. Happily, with all heart's content. InsyaAllah.
Hopefully, with him too.
Coming to the end of 2011
and I'm broke.
Seriously.
After Melbourne on September.
Derawan on October.
And I've JUST decided for Gili on November.
Thinking Bali for December.
I might need life support from my Dad after this.
hahaha..
That's okay. Since I need to enjoy life.
Getting away from EVERYTHING.
Work. Love. Family. Reality.
Be with the sea and fresh air.
Away from routines.
To keep my sanity intact, my bank balance is crying.
She said
You can care without Love.
but you can't love without care.
Haha!
I can so define whom the first and the latter.
Thanks to my Chinese twin!
You rawk.
On 15 September I wrote...
A peaceful and sweet closure
So here i am on a 109 tram going to an old friend's home.
2 days remain before i fly out to where i belong.
Home. In Jakarta.
Finally i can make peace with self on saying it. I've settled on where home is.
Melbourne was my happy adolescence, finding identity.
Jakarta is where i will settle my adulthood.
My mind, body and soul have in-sync this time round.
Melbourne will always have a special space locked in heart.
It's time to move on.
6 days wandering in melbourne, without purpose, is an eye opener.
I'm tired of being alone. Being minority. On having more effort to live.
Melbourne is a cold place. As i was.
3 years tamed me. I couldn't settle for ignorance or complete individuality.
Now, i'm ready to face a new life with all heart's content, in Jakarta.
Where home is and where i'm needed.
Goodbye melbourne. Thanks for a life changing experience of 7years.
You will always be a second home.
My bittersweet lover.
Giving, errr..., love a try?
But the questions persist.
What feelings I am feeling?
What will I be when loosing the other person? or THIS person?
I chose to walk it through.
Seeing things. Learning things. Feeling things.
That's allowed, right?
Melbourne I'll see you VERY soon
You know what,
It will be exactly 2 years since last I step foot in Melbourne.
The last was October 2009.
Now, in mere 3 days, I'll be seeing you again.
Feelings run amuck.
It's like, seeing your old lover and wondering whether the feeling is still there.
Am I ready to fall in love again?
Will you able to make me head over heels again, Melbourne?
I'm excited but also scared.
Getting to you will be a life-changing decision for my future.
Yeah, feels like deciding for marriage, innit?
Haha.
On being thankful
Today I'm grateful for my friends.
I have 3 different crowds and a twin, each of them have their own characteristic.
My ex-housemates, for example, their personalities are so strong and complete opposite of me but we can blend in. They're strong opinionated women, who deserves to always be loved just because they always spread positive ions to the people around them. Seriousness to them is camouflaged by jokes and sarcasm. Two significant elements, since the past 7 years, I could never learn to do! Among them, I felt I'm the youngest (while in fact, I'm not). Them 2 crazy chicas are my drugs. I'm on high when they're nearby.
My sweet companions are those recently came around. My traveling buddies, my daily comforters. The 3 chicas came to my life from different timeline. 17, 14, and a mere 3 years ago we knew each other. Companionship becomes sweet, harmless, and fun. With them, small talk can never gets dry. Without them, days could become so dull. My sweet ladies are the icing on this grovelling routines.
The last but not least, the intellectual crowd. We started off as duo, then becomes triplet. Miss smarty chick and mister nice guy are my intellectuals trashcan. They're smart in their own ways, live through experiences. They're my rock to see face-to-face with the world. The duo missy and mister are my left and right pillars in life, holding me steady.
Sneaking in, my Chinese twin. We've been close friends since the initial survival in Melbourne. Back in the days, when we're finding our inner-self, we both contemplated over the same issue over and over. Who we are, what we want to do, those kinda stuff. I learn to speak up my mind and learn to show some emotions, all from her. Though we lived in same city now, we barely see each other that often. But communication never stops. Her speech can sometimes get so snappy, but they often true. She's my shopping buddy, my contemplating twin, my love advisor, whose maturing quite a lot since babygirl came along. To me, she always know how to advises me on stupid love. Though not once I follow her advice. haha!
I am most grateful for these eight dearest darling friends of mine. That's what they meant to me. Hopefully, I do have a significant place in their lives, even only play a minor role.
These eight companions in my life, are one of the reasons I wish to stuck in Jakarta, and be happy in this undesirable city.
A friend's quote I kept repeating: It's not the place, it's the people.
For now, people won over place.
I'm most thankful having them in my life.
Alhamdulillah.....
:) :) :) :)
Happy is understatement.
I'm beyond excited and I can only vent it out hereeeeee!!!!!!
Thank YOU!
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Sinyal Bagus XL, Nyambung Teruuusss...!
Jakarta, driving and traffic
Driving in jakarta is mad yo! Drivers are so impatient and ignorant. They care nothing but their own safety, if that! The major point for them is how to get off this traffic fast enough. Fuck this. Fuck you, jakarta!
my 2010
I don't plan on doing a recap of my 2010, but a hashtag on twitter kinda tickled me to do so.
For one, I'm blessed for 2010. The year's been great to me and I'm grateful to eternity. Alhamdulillah, this year has fulfilled my major milestones.
I finally get the job I wanted.
I don't expect a promotion in short period time, but I got it.
I never thought I could go back to Aussie this year, but I DID! full ride baby!
I'm challenged and all stressed out, but learning is a never-ending path for me.
I've got butterflies in my tummy for a while, fall out of it, in denial, and currently leaving it to faith.
Although the fallback, I'm too busy working and be with family, I forgot to travel.
Next year plan, traveling already has its places. Also, next year will be my next jump, another bigger milestone. Bismillahirohmanirrohim..
Thank you 2010. You've been great to me.
I truly am thankful.
Of course, I should know better who to send my regards to. Hats off to You.
After a month
Yes, just an update for future me.
Howsa hangin' after a month in my new role at work. -- Yeah, this is basically the tagline.
well, in brief.
Sucks, but now i'm more sure that I can do this.
Now I know who ticked me off easily.
That'd be my effin HR.
She's uneducated, seriously.
At least, not as highly as I am. Yeah, I'm bragging my academic standards.
Why?
Cos that lady is just plain dumbo.
I mean, just today.
The phone at my branch broke down, she all panicky. Why? cos she's the country director's bitch that what she is. So if anything goes wrong in my branch, she needs to know and just go crazy by herself. Just go nuts, without solution. If we in this branch give solution, she'll be unhappy. Ok lady, whateva.
That lady and the other marketing dude are 2 impotent but crucial character in this company. But hey, I have no massive grudge with the dude just because I had no work related matters to do with him. Unlike the dumbo lady.
After a month,
If anything unrelated to her, I know I can do it well. I am working to achieve the company's target. At least I am trying.
The other grudge would prolly my coworker, whom I had not yet have any connection. There are only 3 of us, the other 2 have known each other from previous job. They kept YM-ing with their friends from previous company, and kept chatting about those people. At first I was quite annoyed by it, but I'm too busy to get annoyed over trivial thing. Soon they'll be outta topic of previous coworkers anyway. I don't think myself as outcast on this, because simply, I don't care. Which is good.
After a month,
I've been doing additional tasks that I may not have been doing in previous role. Though this come at costs. I didn't get included in one of the tasks I love most on my previous role. That is, networking (and free luncheons/dinners!!) with clients. Consequently, I lost my privilege to earn extra overtime due of that. This particular task will be handed down to my coworker. Lucky bastard.
After a month,
I know I can do this job.
Just keep away dumbo from my line of duty, then I'll be working emotionless.
Yeah, keep keep her far away from me. Otherwise, I might snap and kill her.
Love xx
Here we go again.
When things get tough and I couldn't find fresh air.
I remember you.
I'm in my darkest mood, again.
I thought friends are the best companion. Start to think maybe it's family.
or maybe it's yourself?
I guess... You can't expect too much from some people. Time you spent towards them may not reflect the same amount from them to you.
Then I missed you so much. Just with you, I can be with myself and still feel content.
Am I not destined to have a life here if I'm wishing every day to go back to you?
Ramadan Mubarak!
Ramadan is here.
After years we spent separately, eventually my mom's kids are finally back in one roof. Getting through Ramadan together.
Nothing special really.
Our family isn't what you called conservative.
We don't have special arrangement or tradition to spend Ramadan.
The way we embrace this holy month is by our own ways too. We don't make this month to get closer as family, but just doing routines at the same time. By that I meant, our eating pattern.
The feeling is completely different to Ramadan I had when I was little.
Of course situation have changed since then. That causes habits and tradition to change to.
I don't mind that.
I've just accepted this as I spent my Ramadan back in Melbourne.
We're individuals now.
The way I spend Ramadan is between me and God.
I have no complaints, but doing routines like this is kinda boring for me. I'm sorry, but it does.
Oh well, Happy Ramadan.
Hopefully Eid will come soonest than we expected. :)
Memoirs of the day
Today was my 2nd day after being relocated to South Jakarta branch.
With hesitant, I accepted the relocation. Insisting only for a week.
At the back of my mind, I know management would consider extending my stay. I have no say.
The work envo is extremely different and location if Frikken far!
If I to stay here permanently, I have to sacrifice my social life. Which I have no intention to do so atm.
Basically, the branch only have 8 people in 2 storey home-office building. Only for 2 days but the people do not speak to each other. Well, they spoke.
But not chat. not a friendly chat at least. All about work work work. That kills.
Maybe because manager and supervisor are all in one room. We don't have cubicles. Just one massive open space and chomp us all into it.
I don't mind temporarily placed there. Please not permanent.
I'd go crazy there I'm sure. I have found my comfort zone back in head office, but why you move me?
Up to this moment, I'm finding job that suits me best. That I don't need extreme adjustment in any means. At this branch, I need massive adjustment, mentally.
I grew tired for changes and adjusting. I want comfort.
GAH! lemme out lemme out.
Or you'll find me hopping places again. Which I don't particularly fond of, but if I have to --just to find that comfort-- I will hop places.
Can you meet me halfway?
My Blank Canvas. Ready to be Painted..
I found those words while peeping through my past -- (through this blog).
It doesn't exactly says that. My past was rather... glum.
The exact words were 'a blank canvas and not ready to be painted'.
See what I mean?
I'm moving forward. To a better and positive mind.
Eventhough my life's a blank, but I'm ready for it to be painted.
Bring on the colors!
