it hit me.

i wrote a whole lot earlier. as usual, the stupid comp restart by itself. bah. everything's erased. cant remember what ive written.
point is, i jes realised i might get a real job this time. a job that suits the course im currently studying. you wud think i'd be extremely ecstatic. well, i dont.

reason being, it's a reality check for me. i might be doing the thing every student will be doing after graduate from uni. well, im not yet graduated, but hopefully soon. so it's like a huge training for me. but im not taking it so well. i was just thinking whether i want a full-time job at this time. it's not a really full-time, but 4 days 9-4.30 per week I reckon falls into the full-time category. although ill be working 3 days a week in that time frame, since i have uni. the other one day will be spent during weekends or night shifts. thinking about the working hours already makes me tremble.

at times, i'd beg for any job to come along but when it's there in front of me, im too chicken shit to reach it. it's a friggin real job, for God sake! I know, although it dont require a dior suit or prada pumps to work, but it's pretty much a worth-the-experience kinda job. It will make pretty of my resume later on. =D

it gets me all panicky cos all the work requires me to speak non-stop for 7 hours. although fluency already pass the average bar, but perfection is still out of reach. not sure whether i'd be able to do all the small talks necessary to reach the quota for every project. GAH! im so confuse i might explode!

:( :( :( :(
shall i just go for it? no fuss, no thinking, nothing.
alhtough there will be no escape afterwards. theyre not asking for a temp, not a three months staff. am i prepared for it?

my mind's so messed up!! noone knows what im feeling now, i bet. i have a mind of my own, that i know. pretty much screwed up in the head.