Closure

Siapa bilang lebih baik sakit gigi daripada sakit hati?
Meggy Z pasti gak kenal ponstan. gak punya dokter gigi.
Sakit hati? cuma ada waktu.
Sakit? ya terus aja sakit. 

Does happiness just around the corner?

This afternoon I suddenly reminded of my old dream.
The dream long forgotten.

Back in the glory of Melbourne, my life was simple.
Days gone by with one purpose in life, seeking happiness.
My ultimate goal.

That simple goal seems forgotten while I'm busy scrapping through chaotic Jakarta.
Then, he happened to appear out of nowhere as well.
Never say love cures all madness and happiness is a given. Nope, at least not in my love story.

Love is messy to my vocabulary.
Although Jason Mraz does say love is a beautiful mess, but I like things at its order. Including Love.

Him and I, paddling through murky water for seven long months. Together.
Sometimes, him alone and I sat back.
While my mind is full of consideration of one, two, three.
I'm forgetting one thing, my ultimate goal.
Happiness.

I should not think but one.
Will he be my happiness?
with all that he is.

Convincing myself is frustrating.
When I have the answer, happiness is just around the corner and up for grabs.

Thus Love, worry not.
For heart shortly convinced.
when time comes.

when complicated becomes uncertain

6 months.
it's nothing compared to what others have walked through.

the beginning was harmless. innocent. complicated.
as the road becomes long and winding, so is the journey.
we're heading towards the same aim, but when the road will end, I am not too sure.

This is when complicated becomes uncertain.
When the path ends, another journey will begin.

Am I ready to be on that journey?
with him, all of him.

2012 is around the corner..

Just few hours approaching to 2012.
Prophecy said it's the end of the world.

So what can we expect when the clock countdown to 00.00?
Are we still preparing any 2012 resolutions?

I do.
I didn't really remember the prophecy. So for this once, I envisioned my future plan, believing this could be it. The one that is proposed to me, for my future. InsyaAllah, that is.

Everything seems at its' place.
Having him in a different city.. has its course.
Having him in my life, has set a whole different perspective.

It would be time for me to deal with 'things', those I was escaping from.
The future I've never had in mind before.
It may not be exactly the future I'll walk through, but, envisioning it now as such is already a different story to my previous mindset.

I was't prepared for this, but now I know I'm ready for this.
To be with him, to be in a different city, to be in a completely different career.

Hold on, I'm not getting married. Nuoh! not yet.

Bismillah I'm walking towards the purpose that my family wants, especially my mum.
Maybe it's my life purpose. No matter how much I've refused to obey, at the end of the day, I know that I have to do this. I was meant to do this.

Bismillahirohmanirrohim, I surrender all thoughts and effort to You. Should this be the life purpose You gave me, I'll make my best effort to pursue what is given to me. Should this be the right course I'm supposed to walk on to, I'll walk this through with love and contentment. Finally, I've made peace (or towards that). InsyaAllah, with support from all my loved ones.

2012, another life chapter to be written.
Let's do this with all heart's content.

Then there is us.

2011 is coming to its end.
Before we say farewell, a recap wouldnt be much harmful, would it?

2011 played a roller coaster emotion in my life. Learning all kinds of emotion. The closure on a dear loved one is the beginning of another enormous feeling i have never experienced before.

My plans... Ah, screw them.

2011.. is unexpectedly a year full of self-reflect.

I bid goodbye to melbourne this year. This time is for real. I chose jakarta, with all my heart's content.

I wont forget how it raised me.

2011...
is when him and I become us. An old friend coming out of the blue..
We still have a long road ahead. We're parted by different cities. We're 2 very different individuals. We live in a very opposite lives. Him and i to become us wasnt a smooth ride. But i'm very grateful that he wants to be by my side. Regardless.

Our story is just a baby. Tiny and fragile.
Hopefully, our prayers will bring us to a strong and mature lifelong journey. InsyaAllah, amin.

2011,
Thank you.
To have helped me to choose people over place.
I left my adolescence in melbourne. I will live my adulthood in indonesia. Happily, with all heart's content. InsyaAllah.

Hopefully, with him too.

Coming to the end of 2011

and I'm broke.

Seriously.

After Melbourne on September.
Derawan on October.
And I've JUST decided for Gili on November.

Thinking Bali for December.

I might need life support from my Dad after this.
hahaha..

That's okay. Since I need to enjoy life.
Getting away from EVERYTHING.

Work. Love. Family. Reality.

Be with the sea and fresh air.
Away from routines.

To keep my sanity intact, my bank balance is crying.

She said

You can care without Love.
but you can't love without care.

Haha!
I can so define whom the first and the latter.

Thanks to my Chinese twin!
You rawk.

On 15 September I wrote...

A peaceful and sweet closure

So here i am on a 109 tram going to an old friend's home.
2 days remain before i fly out to where i belong.
Home. In Jakarta.

Finally i can make peace with self on saying it. I've settled on where home is.
Melbourne was my happy adolescence, finding identity.
Jakarta is where i will settle my adulthood.
My mind, body and soul have in-sync this time round.

Melbourne will always have a special space locked in heart.
It's time to move on.

6 days wandering in melbourne, without purpose, is an eye opener.
I'm tired of being alone. Being minority. On having more effort to live.

Melbourne is a cold place. As i was.
3 years tamed me. I couldn't settle for ignorance or complete individuality.

Now, i'm ready to face a new life with all heart's content, in Jakarta.
Where home is and where i'm needed.

Goodbye melbourne. Thanks for a life changing experience of 7years.
You will always be a second home.
My bittersweet lover.

Giving, errr..., love a try?

But the questions persist.

What feelings I am feeling?
What will I be when loosing the other person? or THIS person?

I chose to walk it through.

Seeing things. Learning things. Feeling things.
That's allowed, right?

selfishness backfired.

So i'm home. in Jakarta that is.
Blogging this from work, because I'm so emotionally wrecked right now.

My 10 days getaway was full of selfishness. The thought of what brings
ME happiness. I thought it's common to think that, it's alright to
think that.
I went to Melbourne, contemplating and reliving my early 20s. Finally,
to decide I'm better off in Jakarta, with many considerations and
loving thoughts, insyaAllah.

But then, my 10 days getaway is backfired. I went home, here in
Jakarta, to have the talks.
1 with mum.
2 with him.
3 with superiors at work.

The talk with him was emotional.
This, I did not expect, at all.

I thought we could resolve everything, about us. about him and I. Me
and my selfishness maybe was too full-on for him to digest.
We had the talk.
He need space. I surrender to his request.

Now, I couldn't do my work. Blogging this to get him, the thoughts,
the guilt, out of my mind.
Things are more uncertain than it was before. Partly due to my
ignorance towards him.

My 10 days getaway was also for me to reflect on my feelings, I didn't
think of his.

My selfishness backfired and it ain't cool at all.
Things never run smooth according to what I want.
Not about this, not about him.

I should give him space, shouldn't I?

In the sky - between KL and Melbourne

Up in the sky. 4 hours to melbourne.
All i can think is my next trip to derawan and bandung with my friends.
And him.

Does my days in melbourne will be over this time round? The thought of it isnt as sad as before. Maybe my heart has finally decide but my mind are thinking the what ifs.

Im too afraid to let go melbourne, to let go my PR status. Then i wouldnt be able to find a quick getaway. Maybe i should face everything now and not a quick getaway fix?

My mind is wondering aimlessly, searching the best answer.

I'm heavy on my mum, my friends, my niece, and somehow him too.

If im settle for the people, what am i escaping now?

Melbourne I'll see you VERY soon

You know what,

It will be exactly 2 years since last I step foot in Melbourne.
The last was October 2009.

Now, in mere 3 days, I'll be seeing you again.
Feelings run amuck.

It's like, seeing your old lover and wondering whether the feeling is still there.
Am I ready to fall in love again?
Will you able to make me head over heels again, Melbourne?

I'm excited but also scared.
Getting to you will be a life-changing decision for my future.

Yeah, feels like deciding for marriage, innit?
Haha.

Adieu boy

Finally, thursday was the day to find all the answers. To open heart.
It was fine. Faint of heart was collapsing. I was surrendering.

Last night my eyes were open wide.
We live very different lives you and i. Of you asking me to leave my friends, is one impossible request for me to do.
I love who i am. I love my life. I love my friends.
You can't tell me otherwise.

Men will always be third in line after my mom and friends. You cant change that.

I thought my heart was surrendering to you, but the life you and i chose were heaven and earth.
I wasted time and shed pointless tears.

You weren't there for the past 10 years of my demonic years, nor knowing the stories of it.
Life changes me, you can't.

Last night, tears were our closure. At least from my end.
Adieu boy.

Madre by Dee

"saya meninggalkan Melbourne. Menetap di kota yang saya hindari.
Rumah adalah tempat dimana saya dibutuhkan"

Sepenggal paragraf dari Madre karya Dee lestari. Sedikit saya ubah Bali dengan Melbourne. Hanya karena di kota itu saya menjadi "freelancer", seorang yang bebas layaknya seorang Tansen.

Tiket Melbourne sayapun sudah ditangan.

Bertubi-tubi pertanyaan yang sama dilontarkan oleh teman-teman baik.
"Apa yang menahanmu di Melbourne?" sekali lagi kutipan Madre yang saya ubah object yang dipertanyakan.
Tansen tidak bisa menjawab pertanyaan itu dengan pasti.
Saya pun...

Seperti tertohok ketika membaca kalimat terakhir dari kutipan diatas.
Saya tau saya dibutuhkan disini, lebih untuk menenangkan hati.

"rumah adalah tempat dimana saya dibutuhkan"
Apakah di kota ini? Yang saya selalu enggan untuk menempati.

Madre membuat saya berpikir kembali tujuan saya untuk menoleh ke masa lalu.

On being single

A tweet tickles me to blog this.

@TrinityTraveler RT-ed her follower that says this: 'temen saya fave T&T krn penulisnya single tp kok bisa ya enjoy life without being lonely'.

Trinity's respond was a simple, Ha?
I would too if I were her (Trinity).

I won't judge this person for saying so. I don't know her, she doesn't know me. But based on her tweet it got me self-reflect. I wasn't this content before, I'm still not fully content with life as a matter of fact. I'm getting there.

I'm also single.
For women, it's believed at certain age there will be a bridget jones syndrome. Single equals loneliness. It may be lonely sometimes, but I'm sure there are many things in life that can get us going and eventually dilutes the loneliness.

I'm sure in this person's concept, being lonely means no boyfriend. I think, by now Alhamdulillah I've succeed to get rid of that thought.

Companions are everywhere as long as we noticed them. Who knows, when time is on our side, some of them could become our bestest companions. Enjoy the companions around, those who can make you laugh and ignore Lonely.

Don't get me wrong, we need partner (boy/girlfriend). But why sook about it when that person does not come at the time we want them to come? Shouldn't we just noticed those who sat next to us, and enjoy their companions? Eventhough they may not be our love interest.

Isn't love, at the end of the day, means enjoy each other companions?

Maybe this is naïve have its say.
But, this comes from a twenty-something chick who knew Lonely just a tad too much, then ditched it by embracing every trivial happiness.

Too cliche?
Well, sometimes being cliche works.
Best,
Andini

On being thankful

Today I'm grateful for my friends.
I have 3 different crowds and a twin, each of them have their own characteristic.

My ex-housemates, for example, their personalities are so strong and complete opposite of me but we can blend in. They're strong opinionated women, who deserves to always be loved just because they always spread positive ions to the people around them. Seriousness to them is camouflaged by jokes and sarcasm. Two significant elements, since the past 7 years, I could never learn to do! Among them, I felt I'm the youngest (while in fact, I'm not). Them 2 crazy chicas are my drugs. I'm on high when they're nearby.

My sweet companions are those recently came around. My traveling buddies, my daily comforters. The 3 chicas came to my life from different timeline. 17, 14, and a mere 3 years ago we knew each other. Companionship becomes sweet, harmless, and fun. With them, small talk can never gets dry. Without them, days could become so dull. My sweet ladies are the icing on this grovelling routines.

The last but not least, the intellectual crowd. We started off as duo, then becomes triplet. Miss smarty chick and mister nice guy are my intellectuals trashcan. They're smart in their own ways, live through experiences. They're my rock to see face-to-face with the world. The duo missy and mister are my left and right pillars in life, holding me steady.

Sneaking in, my Chinese twin. We've been close friends since the initial survival in Melbourne. Back in the days, when we're finding our inner-self, we both contemplated over the same issue over and over. Who we are, what we want to do, those kinda stuff. I learn to speak up my mind and learn to show some emotions, all from her. Though we lived in same city now, we barely see each other that often. But communication never stops. Her speech can sometimes get so snappy, but they often true. She's my shopping buddy, my contemplating twin, my love advisor, whose maturing quite a lot since babygirl came along. To me, she always know how to advises me on stupid love. Though not once I follow her advice. haha!

I am most grateful for these eight dearest darling friends of mine. That's what they meant to me. Hopefully, I do have a significant place in their lives, even only play a minor role.

These eight companions in my life, are one of the reasons I wish to stuck in Jakarta, and be happy in this undesirable city.

A friend's quote I kept repeating: It's not the place, it's the people.
For now, people won over place.

I'm most thankful having them in my life.
Alhamdulillah.....

Who doesn't love July

July, you have dropped the bomb on me but also you balanced it with many many splendid things.

This month, I have been yelled at, mocked at, screamed at.
Covered by pile of papers, bombarded with questionmarks from the above, shoved with new techy stuff and responsibilities.

That was work.

However, I am so blessed for having my great greatest buddies. They always know how to switch frowns and tears to massive laughter and sincerest smiles.
Getting away from Jakarta was always our escape from work stress. We went to Sawarna and Green Canyon. Beach and Sun burnt the heavy burden we store temporarily on our brain. The companion that are priceless.

Two unexpected news knocked on door.
An old friend coming out of the blue. Facebook connected us.
It started off as tease, innocent flirting, and a fun playful stress release. Or so I thought!
It turns out a complete double entendre.
I had to eat my own words. The old friend took my words far too seriously, he then dropped the bomb on me. My heart have been skipping few beats due to that. I should've not play with fire, but i keep on flaming fireworks. haha!
For now, I'm letting things as they go.

On a very very very exciting and happy news.
I'm going back to Melbourne!! Initially, just for 10 days. But we'll see how things to be while I'm there. Whether Melbourne is just a happy memory or a prospective future for me.
Just need to find best words and reasons to tell mum.

Apparently 9 months was a very long time. A LOT has happened during then.
Friends and Indonesia's nature exquisite have captured my love. It will be very difficult to leave them now. I thought this would be easy, since nothing here is for me to love. I was so wrong.

Due to this, Jakarta and Melbourne has equal chances. A 50-50 heart dilemma.
But I will decide this when I reach Melbourne in September. See if the city could make me head over heels once more.

July, I have vent out some anguish but it was dialed down by many many laughter. All thanks to my closest nicest craziest friends around me.

Alhamdulillah I've been reminded that Happiness do exist.

:) :) :) :)

Happy is understatement.
I'm beyond excited and I can only vent it out hereeeeee!!!!!!

Thank YOU!
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Sinyal Bagus XL, Nyambung Teruuusss...!

Jakarta, driving and traffic

Driving in jakarta is mad yo! Drivers are so impatient and ignorant. They care nothing but their own safety, if that! The major point for them is how to get off this traffic fast enough. Fuck this. Fuck you, jakarta!

Cambodia

Alhamdulillah. I'll be going there this end of march, for work thing.
Which is quite exciting. Although, some plans need to be diverted.

Yeah, planning was never part of my life, why start now.