on partnership and being lonely

An interesting topic arises during dinner with a new friend last night.
We're the thirty-something single women in Jakarta who were very fortunate to sipped overseas life during our childhood/adolescent years. There were we, having our sushi treats, discussing about culture shock in our country, tolerance, and partnership.

I guess, if we were back to London or Melbourne, thirty-something is your mature age to spike-up your career lives with minor disruptions from nagging family to get married or to breed.

I was her, at some point, I guess.
Disagreeing to eastern culture that women has to be married at certain age and breed.
The option should be there, of course, but to wed and breed are not your only option. This was me, I guess.

At the end of the day, you can't help but to notice an irresistible temptation crawling into  your life. It's called, being lonely. Sometimes, having  a partner, regardless the long-term purpose, short-term is to have a companion. Lucu juga semalam dengan jujur merespon tentang kesepian. Jujur itu memang menakutkan ya!

Ergo my conclusion about my present life, finding a partner can be equal portion to spike-up your career. At the end of the day, you are aware that loneliness as a significant element in life that you want to minimize its portion.Perhaps finding long-term companion should have equal effort as to better career.

Friends may be the best companion, in sickness and health, but they do have their own family as priority and we need to understood that. Family, they can be too dysfunctional and tolerance is on high alert.
I guess, partner is whom you can share all of these - being dysfunctional, tolerable, the bestest companion, priority. but all in all, going through all of these, are as it is, without pressure from one another.

Tolerance, until how far?
Loneliness, to what portion are bearable? 

a new perspective from here on end

so, the ending 2012 was a  ......
blessing in disguise.

my spiritual journey has just begun from that day on, despite all the 'gift' Allah has given me, I understood the purpose of it all.
Believing greatness will come out of this, was  very difficult to digest at the beginning.
Now I believe, eventually, slowly, I will be there.


Of all the secrets I carry  about his past, with anger and hatred I can destroy a person's life into lowest gutter.
But I fear, I fear that doing so won't bring me contentment. It could bring me to much lowest level than him.
I fear, revenge is a spiteful thing.

Instead, I wrap all of these inside and deliver them through my prayers.
Let Him work His fairness. 

Forgiving isn't easy but tired of anger and hatred.

Lessons learned. A life lesson, spiritual beginning and a never-ending patience.
I'm my mum's daughter, through and through.
Had to learn from the hard-way, but am grateful to eternity for this 'blessing'.

InshaAllah I will have my mum's never-ending patience and strong endurance. Amin..

4th November 2012

You know that movie Love Actually? I always remember that movie's monologue. The scene at the airport, it was past 9-11. Hugh Grant narrated: everywhere you see at the airport, people smiling or laughing seeing their friends/relatives/loved ones arriving or departing. people hugging and kissing. you will see that love is actually all around.

That bit of the story was true in my case.
29th october 2012, terminal 3 Soetta 2.15PM we bid our farewell. Unknowingly it will be our last hug, our last laugh, our last smiles, our last tease, our last happiness, our last kiss.

I wish you health and happiness that you always hoped for.
Venus satelite has evaporates, never more to spread their signals.

4th November 2012 Truths were spoken.

Truth hurts, but in the end happiness will prevail.
Adieu, Amor.

Closure

Siapa bilang lebih baik sakit gigi daripada sakit hati?
Meggy Z pasti gak kenal ponstan. gak punya dokter gigi.
Sakit hati? cuma ada waktu.
Sakit? ya terus aja sakit. 

Ketika memilih

"Biarkan cinta bicara dengan logika. Tidak seseru saat jatuh cinta memang.

Tapi dalam hidup terkadang tidak seru itu perlu."


@HilbramDunar

the best to end Ramadhan 2012

having just noticed today is the last day Ramadhan. I am most grateful that I just had the most fulfilling final day sahur.

nothing i can ask for more.

spent the night before takbir, just the two of us, iftar and sahur with the family.

I'm happy as I can be. Alhamdulillah for the wonderful, yet rocky, road we've had and will have.

til we meet to another Ramadhan. Insha Allah, together still.

We're aiming the same goal

End of last month, decision was made.

Us, to walk on the same path towards one beginning.

Insyaallah it's the best for the both of us. Regardless worries, concerns and doubts.

Can i move on with this plan? I'll make my best effort to work this out, together.

Yes you, let's walk this road hand-in-hand, dream the same reality. Just, you and i.

<3

Does happiness just around the corner?

This afternoon I suddenly reminded of my old dream.
The dream long forgotten.

Back in the glory of Melbourne, my life was simple.
Days gone by with one purpose in life, seeking happiness.
My ultimate goal.

That simple goal seems forgotten while I'm busy scrapping through chaotic Jakarta.
Then, he happened to appear out of nowhere as well.
Never say love cures all madness and happiness is a given. Nope, at least not in my love story.

Love is messy to my vocabulary.
Although Jason Mraz does say love is a beautiful mess, but I like things at its order. Including Love.

Him and I, paddling through murky water for seven long months. Together.
Sometimes, him alone and I sat back.
While my mind is full of consideration of one, two, three.
I'm forgetting one thing, my ultimate goal.
Happiness.

I should not think but one.
Will he be my happiness?
with all that he is.

Convincing myself is frustrating.
When I have the answer, happiness is just around the corner and up for grabs.

Thus Love, worry not.
For heart shortly convinced.
when time comes.

when complicated becomes uncertain

6 months.
it's nothing compared to what others have walked through.

the beginning was harmless. innocent. complicated.
as the road becomes long and winding, so is the journey.
we're heading towards the same aim, but when the road will end, I am not too sure.

This is when complicated becomes uncertain.
When the path ends, another journey will begin.

Am I ready to be on that journey?
with him, all of him.

2012 is around the corner..

Just few hours approaching to 2012.
Prophecy said it's the end of the world.

So what can we expect when the clock countdown to 00.00?
Are we still preparing any 2012 resolutions?

I do.
I didn't really remember the prophecy. So for this once, I envisioned my future plan, believing this could be it. The one that is proposed to me, for my future. InsyaAllah, that is.

Everything seems at its' place.
Having him in a different city.. has its course.
Having him in my life, has set a whole different perspective.

It would be time for me to deal with 'things', those I was escaping from.
The future I've never had in mind before.
It may not be exactly the future I'll walk through, but, envisioning it now as such is already a different story to my previous mindset.

I was't prepared for this, but now I know I'm ready for this.
To be with him, to be in a different city, to be in a completely different career.

Hold on, I'm not getting married. Nuoh! not yet.

Bismillah I'm walking towards the purpose that my family wants, especially my mum.
Maybe it's my life purpose. No matter how much I've refused to obey, at the end of the day, I know that I have to do this. I was meant to do this.

Bismillahirohmanirrohim, I surrender all thoughts and effort to You. Should this be the life purpose You gave me, I'll make my best effort to pursue what is given to me. Should this be the right course I'm supposed to walk on to, I'll walk this through with love and contentment. Finally, I've made peace (or towards that). InsyaAllah, with support from all my loved ones.

2012, another life chapter to be written.
Let's do this with all heart's content.

Aku, kamu.. dan dia.

When things got beserk and the other guy comes in to lighten the mood.

Just because he is the bestfriend and not the boyfriend.

Heart matters aint for the faint heart. I grew tired of tears.

Could the bestfriend become good boyfriend?
Maybe not.

Then there is us.

2011 is coming to its end.
Before we say farewell, a recap wouldnt be much harmful, would it?

2011 played a roller coaster emotion in my life. Learning all kinds of emotion. The closure on a dear loved one is the beginning of another enormous feeling i have never experienced before.

My plans... Ah, screw them.

2011.. is unexpectedly a year full of self-reflect.

I bid goodbye to melbourne this year. This time is for real. I chose jakarta, with all my heart's content.

I wont forget how it raised me.

2011...
is when him and I become us. An old friend coming out of the blue..
We still have a long road ahead. We're parted by different cities. We're 2 very different individuals. We live in a very opposite lives. Him and i to become us wasnt a smooth ride. But i'm very grateful that he wants to be by my side. Regardless.

Our story is just a baby. Tiny and fragile.
Hopefully, our prayers will bring us to a strong and mature lifelong journey. InsyaAllah, amin.

2011,
Thank you.
To have helped me to choose people over place.
I left my adolescence in melbourne. I will live my adulthood in indonesia. Happily, with all heart's content. InsyaAllah.

Hopefully, with him too.

Derawan, my story.

It took us 5 months planning this trip to Derawan. Busybees crew are myself, Natsu and Mel.
I have always wanted to go to Derawan, knowing only for its' Kakaban jellyfish.

Dragged my 2 traveling buddies, quite easily. :)
Then persuade 7 other friends and cousins to fill up the tour quota.

Initial idea was set on May.
We decided to go with a local Event Organizer called Zebaoth EO, lead by mas Ivan, to help us arrange everything during our 4D3N in Derawan. Since all 9 of us are female, yeah, we are so rempong with requests. :D

OKAY
Story wouldn't be perfect without introducing the crew
Yours truly who initiated the idea ;)
Natsu and Mel, the duo who are easily persuaded to plan along the trip
Mba Ana and Uwie, my 2 aunty/cousins? :D
Icung! berhasil dibujuk dengan diiming2i kesombongan snorkling sama ubur2 ;)
Siska, Natsu's sister. Whom i believe was persuaded by her big sis to join.
Mia miau, whom failed going to wakatobi and chose derawan to cure dissapointment.
Last but not least, Tika. She joined us at the very very last minute, to swap ticket with Dira, who canceled the trip due to unexpected circumstance.

That Thursday, 20 October 2011. We took 1st Flight at 6.10 AM by Sriwijaya Air.
Perempuan-perempuan bermuka bantal satu persatu datang kerumah, planned was to leave for Airport together, dengan berbekalkan kue pukis untuk sarapan. Ehem.
1st Flight is more often than not on-time.

Baru juga transit di Balikpapan, gue udah buat kebodohan konyol. Dimarahin pramugari dan langsung turun pesawat tanpa bawa tas, dompet, blackberry(!). -__-
Funny thing about this transit was that we only walk around the airport from Arrival gate to Departure gate, to get on the same plane again!

Up in the air on the same flight, off we go to Tarakan.
Got picked up by Mas Ivan from Zebaoth EO.

Oh. We have another member to add up to 10 quota, so we could get bigger boat. By big, is this big.

Off we go to Pelabuhan.
Our boat 288 arrived and ready to take us to Derawan.

Nat, Icung and I sat behind the driver(err, what do you call a boat driver?) Selama perjalanan laut, kapal dihantam ombak, rasanya... tiada tara. If only my ass could scream...
Ternyata 3 jam perjalanan di laut, banyak kebodohan2 yang terjadi.

Salah satunya, si teman yang dengan polosnya pake Life Jacket layaknya Life vest pesawat terbang, bottom-up. :)) Kemudian di kursi belakang saya, cinta bersemi di boat 288. Ehem.

Jam 3 waktu setempat, Alhamdulillah kita sampai dengan selamat di Sari Water Cottages di Derawan. Where we are welcomed by Mr. Turtle!
Snorkling 1st day.

Coming to the end of 2011

and I'm broke.

Seriously.

After Melbourne on September.
Derawan on October.
And I've JUST decided for Gili on November.

Thinking Bali for December.

I might need life support from my Dad after this.
hahaha..

That's okay. Since I need to enjoy life.
Getting away from EVERYTHING.

Work. Love. Family. Reality.

Be with the sea and fresh air.
Away from routines.

To keep my sanity intact, my bank balance is crying.

She said

You can care without Love.
but you can't love without care.

Haha!
I can so define whom the first and the latter.

Thanks to my Chinese twin!
You rawk.

On 15 September I wrote...

A peaceful and sweet closure

So here i am on a 109 tram going to an old friend's home.
2 days remain before i fly out to where i belong.
Home. In Jakarta.

Finally i can make peace with self on saying it. I've settled on where home is.
Melbourne was my happy adolescence, finding identity.
Jakarta is where i will settle my adulthood.
My mind, body and soul have in-sync this time round.

Melbourne will always have a special space locked in heart.
It's time to move on.

6 days wandering in melbourne, without purpose, is an eye opener.
I'm tired of being alone. Being minority. On having more effort to live.

Melbourne is a cold place. As i was.
3 years tamed me. I couldn't settle for ignorance or complete individuality.

Now, i'm ready to face a new life with all heart's content, in Jakarta.
Where home is and where i'm needed.

Goodbye melbourne. Thanks for a life changing experience of 7years.
You will always be a second home.
My bittersweet lover.

Giving, errr..., love a try?

But the questions persist.

What feelings I am feeling?
What will I be when loosing the other person? or THIS person?

I chose to walk it through.

Seeing things. Learning things. Feeling things.
That's allowed, right?

selfishness backfired.

So i'm home. in Jakarta that is.
Blogging this from work, because I'm so emotionally wrecked right now.

My 10 days getaway was full of selfishness. The thought of what brings
ME happiness. I thought it's common to think that, it's alright to
think that.
I went to Melbourne, contemplating and reliving my early 20s. Finally,
to decide I'm better off in Jakarta, with many considerations and
loving thoughts, insyaAllah.

But then, my 10 days getaway is backfired. I went home, here in
Jakarta, to have the talks.
1 with mum.
2 with him.
3 with superiors at work.

The talk with him was emotional.
This, I did not expect, at all.

I thought we could resolve everything, about us. about him and I. Me
and my selfishness maybe was too full-on for him to digest.
We had the talk.
He need space. I surrender to his request.

Now, I couldn't do my work. Blogging this to get him, the thoughts,
the guilt, out of my mind.
Things are more uncertain than it was before. Partly due to my
ignorance towards him.

My 10 days getaway was also for me to reflect on my feelings, I didn't
think of his.

My selfishness backfired and it ain't cool at all.
Things never run smooth according to what I want.
Not about this, not about him.

I should give him space, shouldn't I?

In the sky - between KL and Melbourne

Up in the sky. 4 hours to melbourne.
All i can think is my next trip to derawan and bandung with my friends.
And him.

Does my days in melbourne will be over this time round? The thought of it isnt as sad as before. Maybe my heart has finally decide but my mind are thinking the what ifs.

Im too afraid to let go melbourne, to let go my PR status. Then i wouldnt be able to find a quick getaway. Maybe i should face everything now and not a quick getaway fix?

My mind is wondering aimlessly, searching the best answer.

I'm heavy on my mum, my friends, my niece, and somehow him too.

If im settle for the people, what am i escaping now?

8 hours before melbourne

Waiting at lcct kuala lumpur for my budget airline to arrive and fly me to my second home.
Im having a seriously mixed feelings while waiting to board.

The one date ive been anxiously await since 9 months ago when i bought this ticket, has finally here. But the excitement kinda washed away. Things happened during 9 months.

Madre awoken me from a dream. Im lost finding home.
This will be my final answer. Whether i should be most satisfied with jakarta but where my loved ones are,
Or secure and peaceful with the city i love but afar from loved ones.

If a certain person able to make me stay in jakarta, i'll say yes to his nagging question.
Yes you, im thinking you and make certain of my feelings too.

This next 10 days is a devil's trap, but insyaallah this will give me answers to everything in mind.
Bismillah, im surrendering everything to You.

The flight is boarding.
I'll see you in 8 hours melbourne