She said

You can care without Love.
but you can't love without care.

Haha!
I can so define whom the first and the latter.

Thanks to my Chinese twin!
You rawk.

On 15 September I wrote...

A peaceful and sweet closure

So here i am on a 109 tram going to an old friend's home.
2 days remain before i fly out to where i belong.
Home. In Jakarta.

Finally i can make peace with self on saying it. I've settled on where home is.
Melbourne was my happy adolescence, finding identity.
Jakarta is where i will settle my adulthood.
My mind, body and soul have in-sync this time round.

Melbourne will always have a special space locked in heart.
It's time to move on.

6 days wandering in melbourne, without purpose, is an eye opener.
I'm tired of being alone. Being minority. On having more effort to live.

Melbourne is a cold place. As i was.
3 years tamed me. I couldn't settle for ignorance or complete individuality.

Now, i'm ready to face a new life with all heart's content, in Jakarta.
Where home is and where i'm needed.

Goodbye melbourne. Thanks for a life changing experience of 7years.
You will always be a second home.
My bittersweet lover.

Giving, errr..., love a try?

But the questions persist.

What feelings I am feeling?
What will I be when loosing the other person? or THIS person?

I chose to walk it through.

Seeing things. Learning things. Feeling things.
That's allowed, right?

selfishness backfired.

So i'm home. in Jakarta that is.
Blogging this from work, because I'm so emotionally wrecked right now.

My 10 days getaway was full of selfishness. The thought of what brings
ME happiness. I thought it's common to think that, it's alright to
think that.
I went to Melbourne, contemplating and reliving my early 20s. Finally,
to decide I'm better off in Jakarta, with many considerations and
loving thoughts, insyaAllah.

But then, my 10 days getaway is backfired. I went home, here in
Jakarta, to have the talks.
1 with mum.
2 with him.
3 with superiors at work.

The talk with him was emotional.
This, I did not expect, at all.

I thought we could resolve everything, about us. about him and I. Me
and my selfishness maybe was too full-on for him to digest.
We had the talk.
He need space. I surrender to his request.

Now, I couldn't do my work. Blogging this to get him, the thoughts,
the guilt, out of my mind.
Things are more uncertain than it was before. Partly due to my
ignorance towards him.

My 10 days getaway was also for me to reflect on my feelings, I didn't
think of his.

My selfishness backfired and it ain't cool at all.
Things never run smooth according to what I want.
Not about this, not about him.

I should give him space, shouldn't I?

In the sky - between KL and Melbourne

Up in the sky. 4 hours to melbourne.
All i can think is my next trip to derawan and bandung with my friends.
And him.

Does my days in melbourne will be over this time round? The thought of it isnt as sad as before. Maybe my heart has finally decide but my mind are thinking the what ifs.

Im too afraid to let go melbourne, to let go my PR status. Then i wouldnt be able to find a quick getaway. Maybe i should face everything now and not a quick getaway fix?

My mind is wondering aimlessly, searching the best answer.

I'm heavy on my mum, my friends, my niece, and somehow him too.

If im settle for the people, what am i escaping now?

8 hours before melbourne

Waiting at lcct kuala lumpur for my budget airline to arrive and fly me to my second home.
Im having a seriously mixed feelings while waiting to board.

The one date ive been anxiously await since 9 months ago when i bought this ticket, has finally here. But the excitement kinda washed away. Things happened during 9 months.

Madre awoken me from a dream. Im lost finding home.
This will be my final answer. Whether i should be most satisfied with jakarta but where my loved ones are,
Or secure and peaceful with the city i love but afar from loved ones.

If a certain person able to make me stay in jakarta, i'll say yes to his nagging question.
Yes you, im thinking you and make certain of my feelings too.

This next 10 days is a devil's trap, but insyaallah this will give me answers to everything in mind.
Bismillah, im surrendering everything to You.

The flight is boarding.
I'll see you in 8 hours melbourne

Melbourne I'll see you VERY soon

You know what,

It will be exactly 2 years since last I step foot in Melbourne.
The last was October 2009.

Now, in mere 3 days, I'll be seeing you again.
Feelings run amuck.

It's like, seeing your old lover and wondering whether the feeling is still there.
Am I ready to fall in love again?
Will you able to make me head over heels again, Melbourne?

I'm excited but also scared.
Getting to you will be a life-changing decision for my future.

Yeah, feels like deciding for marriage, innit?
Haha.

Adieu boy

Finally, thursday was the day to find all the answers. To open heart.
It was fine. Faint of heart was collapsing. I was surrendering.

Last night my eyes were open wide.
We live very different lives you and i. Of you asking me to leave my friends, is one impossible request for me to do.
I love who i am. I love my life. I love my friends.
You can't tell me otherwise.

Men will always be third in line after my mom and friends. You cant change that.

I thought my heart was surrendering to you, but the life you and i chose were heaven and earth.
I wasted time and shed pointless tears.

You weren't there for the past 10 years of my demonic years, nor knowing the stories of it.
Life changes me, you can't.

Last night, tears were our closure. At least from my end.
Adieu boy.