American Beauty

Roses.. RED roses.

Every red colour appeared in the movie could represent anger, tragedy and most likely implicit happiness.
I can honestly say, that movie is a magnificent art.
The mute recorded movies, the 'dancing' plastic bag in the wind, the darkness and roses, red colours..
All of 'em are art.

I don't know what art is. But the movie is surely asked us (or at least me) to perceive it in many different ways. The red colour slides within all the darkness could represent mostly anything to every person's eyes.

Beauty slides within all the dimness of light. Thats what happen in our lives.

Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.
*L.Burnham

Rain

Why rain is always perceived with irony and dramatic events?
Whenever you watch movies, acknowledge this..
Whenever the pin point of the movie starts to kick-in, rain is almost certain to appear.

What is it with rain?
What does it actually perceive?
Since when does it implicitly taken into account with all the irony and drama?

Hmm..
wonderment in the sky...

And I'll be...

Your crying shoulder..
I'll be.
*E.McCain

Edwin mccain, remember that song? It's dawson's creek soundtrack. Remember dawson and the gang? Pacey, Joey, Jen lindley? Oh those times... Highschool years.. Lots memories innit? You know what I remember most, it's the small quiet town of Capeside. It looks like a haven isnt it? Quiet, Cozy, Friendly friends, irony and dramas... just a small little town within this crowded universe.

Am I gettin' old or just feel old? Why the only thing I can think of these days is just the past days that have had happened in my life? My highschool years, the past pop culture extravaganza and the lots. It seems like I resent the likelihood of living in the present..

Craze Deliria Hysteria

Sepertinya organ-organ di dalam kepalaku serasa sedang bernari-nari, berlari-lari, hiruk pikuk tiada arah.
Aghh Aghh Aghh tolong..
hi hi hi mama mama papa papa kamu kamu dia dia ha ha ha ha
Ya seperti itulah kiranya
Keadaan yang biasa terlihat disebuah rumah sakit jiwa.
kalau aku goyah, aku bisa menangis lalu tertawa dan tersenyum.
Aku gila!
Tapi aku coba bertahan.. tapi sampai kapan?
Di dalam pikiranku, aku sudah gila.
Rasanya seperti semut-semut kecil berlarian kesana kemari dalam kepanikan setelah ada sebuah pantat besar yang menduduki barisan rombongan mereka.
Aku merasa menjadi satu dari semut-semut itu.
Lari ke kanan kiri tiada arah dan hanya ingin menyelamatkan diri
Tapi itu dia,
Aku gak tau mau lari kemana...

Memory Lane

Walked down the memory lane...
Walked down the path that I took almost every day about a year ago
Memories... all come running towards me so fast
Everything, Everyone have gone

I miss all of my closest friends whom have left the city
It now becomes mute

The city has fallen silent
There is no warmth left in the sun
It grows so cold
*Eowyn - Return of the King

Obsession

Gettin' tired of the craze obsession
Hollow and foolish
Faint at heart
Forgive me not, dearest...
I miss you but I love you, Not.

Love Fool

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
love me love me
pretend that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
*The Cardigans

Yet, Again...

It will never end will it?
Still, "an outcast. A shadow of any mankind who can find no companionship.No love from others.
The world isn't fair"


Professor Chaos

Last Week

Had too many chocolates and red meat, too much fun for a week.. Less academics and none knowledge to attain. 'tis now time to face reality. Some say uni is overrated, another say life is overrated. Then doesn't every cause, every means of life is overrated? including the reasons of why we live. Are we (as usual) finding scapegoats when we're somehow somewhere stuck in the middle of nowhere? Alluring us to ease every tension in one's nerve system. The thought of blaming others and escape free from the grinding fiasco life. Free from heartache and headache but to pass them on to others. Dreadful isnt it?

But anyway.. had a week off before reality starts to kick-in is one bloody great week innit?

Erratic mind game

Restless heart, be calm my dear...
Had not had the courage to find admittance
the battle between two core of our iving soul are treeacherous
My blinded eyes wanting to foresee the truth lies for the two beings to be seen together
Yet, you see..
These are the utter thoughts of one's bewildered eyes
Uncertainties are all that lies there...
Nothing to divine and anticipate
'tis just a fool's hope

twenties

Twenties...
Twenty Something..
Twenty three (23) -1
Twentitu!

Yes, At this time of day, year, date.. I'm twentitu.
Running down the memory lane, I glance back to the past..
I know i've not achieved much. Well, none to be honest.
Omigod, I'm twentitu, and nothing have I achieved, none have I accomplished. sucks.

Things I know are basically just out of textbooks and notes and out of lecturers' mouth. Never been faced with reality. And mortified to even cross that line. however when I heard friends my age have started their days in offices and struggles with daytime jobs, I shrunk. I feel so tiny when compared to them. What's so good by having overly high education status anyway? It aint gonna do me any good in reality. Well, most likely.

I just need to know where am going and where is this education lead me into. I'm no teens no more. Though daddy has loads but I'm no paris hilton. Have to start to think about the future, mine. I want to have my own responsibilities. When all things I do will be my own consequences. But until now, I have daddy in the background, difficult to let go.

Just picture this, pilot episode of friends. Rachel's facing reality... spoilt daddy's girl tryin' to live on her own in the big city. That's what I'm trying to do. Letting go the daddy's picture in the background and try to live by my own two feet.

When will I able to pursue such anticipation? When will I have the courage?
For am twentitu. And the life of me shud've start at this moment in time.
Currently, there are none to be proud about. For I'm in still in a Quest. In search of my one true identity.

Hmm.. til then,
Happy birthday to me.

The beverage world of Tea and Coffee

Ever wonder why brits are so obsessed with tea?
True I've never been there but hey waddaya know, there's telly. A miraculous invention of human kind where people don't need to wander around the globe to see what's out there.
Anyhow, talkin about coffee and tea..

Brits often have this late afternoon tea gathering or ask someone out for tea. On the other side of the world, the americans. Don't know whether they're the one who started the obsession with coffee, but hey.. that's where starbucks first established. They (as in americans) use coffee for socializing purpose. Since that bloody country is of course the dominating country across the globe, hence other countries suddenly have the tendecy to consume coffee and eventually got addicted to it. Consider Australia, this country accounts as one of the world's largest coffee consumptions. Everywhere you look around, there will always be a cozy and sometimes unique coffeehouses in every block of the city. First thing people seek when they wake up, is certainly.. coffee. They got so addicted, they wouldn't be energized whenever coffee isn't injected into their blood every single morning. But haven't done any research on this. So no data to back-up these views. Will update later if the data can be found somewhere.

Now,speaking of its' rival... some asian countries are more likely to drink tea than coffee. Well you know, in the old days. Since Americans have invaded our culture for these past several years, which caused today's generation to consume coffee more than tea. Maybe during our granny/grandad's era, they tend to drank tea cos of the invasion of brits to asian countries? Don't remember much about world history, more so about indonesian history. =P Just consider this, when you go to chinese restaurants, first beverage they serve you is always tea (jasmine/chinesse/green tea), not coffee. Also indonesians, they tend to drink tea than coffee for some ages ago. Now, things changed. The trend thesedays switched to coffee consumptions, of course after the rapid establishment of starbucks (what else!) in every corner of big cities. Nevertheless. tea is still perceived as a more "healthy" hot drink rather than coffee. At least that's what mum asked me to drink whenever I got a lil bit ill. Of course aside from water, tea is sometimes our first preference of beverage. Don't think of hot tea, but let say cold drinks such as Teh botol, tekita, and perhaps those jasmine tea (yea or sumtin brand). They're still our most wanted beverage compared to coffee, right? Doesn't that tell you something?

What makes me wonder is that, why do brits (or in general, europeans?) at the beginning have those "high tea" -slash- afternoon tea gathering or a more classy term is "tea party" for socializing purpose. I guess, tea is considered more classy, more sophisticated, maybe higher status than coffee. Considering, there is no such thing as coffee party or afternoon coffee meal (well, maybe there is?) and there is no room called "coffee room" but there are those called "tea room", right?

So Coffee or Tea anyone?

A Letter to God

dear god,
I've been stuckin here, inside
With all these creatures, they're freakin me out
One laugh.... one shout!
Then a million screamin in my head loud!

God,
Someone is standin in front of me
Shes tellin sumthin I cant see
Then I look around...
But nuttin can be found

Shes tellin a story about life
Shes sharin a joke but no one laugh, how sad!
I don't even know what da hell is she talkin about
I say "GET OUT! OR LEMME OUT!!!!LEMME OUT!!!!"
Its crowd!!!!! Too many ppl inside!!
I just cant move, too many acts, and they wont stop!!

Karya seorang teman. Copyright J

Blue is the Colour

I have so many things rolling around my head right now. When I finally finished all the stress about unii and stuff, yet I cannot find peace.
There's the accident of minor burn injuries (stupidly cos of hot oil just spurred on to my left hand). must see doctor yet again dun have proper health insurance so I have to go make one. It can be a trouble since I don't have any Australian insurance after I got my permanent residency. And that(!) is hell lotta troubles!!! there would be some pissed off medicare staff tomoro when they process my request for a health insurance. *sigh*
Also, there's problem with the fucking laptop. That thing shud be in a dump years ago! Have no idea what's the problem with it. Thought it's spyware but now i'm not so sure. The trouble is, i've formatted it 3 (YES THREE!!) times now. And the more I install xp over and over again, the problem gets mucho worse. Really don't have any idea what to do with the damn thing.
Why there has to be loads of things to do?
I want to complain once more, but I don't know if it's fair. I don't know what else to think, I don't know what else must I do. I don't know whether I should keep patient with all things that happens. I really thought things would change. But one year is approaching... still, nothing is changing. I really dont know what else could I do and to whom I can confide all these thoughts to. I really don't want to make any mistakes. And yet, I don't think I can hold it much longer... This is so not what I expected to be...
A definite reverse of my expectation.
And I don't think it's fair for me to keep silent. The more I give, none is I got in return.
I hate this, I hate you, I hate me.

Things are gettin' outta control.
And I hate to control things.
I just need some guidance, but I don't know where to find 'em
Sometimes, i glance back... and I know,
I'm not happy.

For Blue is always the colour,
and it won't ever set me free...
i'm destined to feel blue forver,
and it ain't a beauty!

Whatta Weekend !!!

after a long week of books, computers and research. Finally, Friday ended and I had my long relaxing-super-lazy weekend. It still continues until monday, which is To.Day! I spent most of the time SLEEPING like a log. No disturbance, No chaos, Free of academic studies.
Just me, my bed, my music, and the gloomy clouds out my window.
Hm.. Lovely!

Gimme Novacaine, please?

Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
The sensations overwhelming,
Give me a kiss goodnight and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
*greenday

So give me Novacaine!

I AM NOT A QUITTER!

Yes, I know i've complaint at lot (I mean, ALOT!) these past months. Well, yeah of course this page is created as a bin of my thrashy thoughts. But trashy doesn't mean just complaints, does it?

anyway, at present I'm stuck with my own thoughts. My mind has its' own dilemma. There's one side telling me *eagerly!* to drop-out of uni and get a job, whilst other's saying to keep going and emphatically convices me that I'm not a quitter. For years, I've struggled with everything that've had happened in my life and I'm able to passed all that. I survived. So Why quit now?

It's true though.. Why do I have to quit now? Cos I have options? That doesn't necessarily be an excuse, does it?

I don't want to quit. But I can't cope with all things that happened right now. There is always this voice within me (cie, aguilera banget! - yes moment's gone!) saying that i'm not a quitter and no, it cannot happen now! It's the only good thing about me, and if I lost control of it too, then what will I become?

This voice controls my heart, but my head says another thing. I won't quit. I don't want to quit. But soon or later, I'll burst in tears for not having enough strength to cope with situation surrounds me.

For now, these tears are silently kept inside my heart. I know if I let it go, I wouldn't have the control of anything. For only my head has the power over me.
No one would ever want to be a cold-hearted bitch now do they?

Dear God,
Forgive me for I have sin.. (LOHHH????!!!??)
[guyonan sekilas :P gak lucu]

But for now, I'll just say...
I AM NOT A QUITER!
I AM TOUGH
I CAN HOLD MY HEAD UP HIGH, and said...
SCREW YOU SCHOLARS!! Ha Ha Ha

*si edan pun tertawa, itulah dia! orang gila*

insanity

Yes, I AM

in a matter of minutes... i'll go ballistic and i wouldn't be normal anymore
I have never been this desperate, stuck in a matter that I shoud've able to control with.
I don't even write good english! shit

I want to kill all those scholars. why the hell do they have to give us such excessive tasks.
I'm really blue :(

I wanna run faraway
I wanna scream so loud even the sound of running train couldn't defeat me
I wanna cry so hard until my eyes are sore
I wanna jump and down over and over again to release the tension in my entire nerve systems.
But one and foremost, I wanna get the hell out of swinney swinburne and enough with education!

I am in such agony just to even breathe in the past two months...
I hate to complain, but what else can I do?
I only have dramas day after day....
Comedy is nonexistence.

Basically, I'm just dying to be alive.. Trying to dig deep into the lively being that is overshadowed with the dead existence you see on the surface.
This is me.
And this is all you will get.

insanity!

Yes,
Join me, will you?

tak suka lar aku

Knp sih!
knp selalu deg2an..
knp slalu siteng..
knp slalu senyum2 gak jelas..
knp slalu nunggu2..
knp jadi kikuk...
Knp Knp?!
Tak Suka lar AKU!

Orange County

You know.. the tv series. The O.C. Helloo 2nd season?
I once thought 'twas similar as the kids on dawson's creek. Never have the interest on watching this one after years caught up with all the dramas and irony on dawson's world.

Don't know what's the root of the story, been watching it only few times. Yet again, it's the second season(!) how the hell would I know the story line. But from I've seen.. I can just assume that if O.C is a reality... that damn town would be all about incest! Well, when you think about it.. people havin sex with everyone in town, eventually the ladies will get knocked up and stupidly, they'll then decide to raise the babies. Years later, gather up all these kids in one high school.. and see who's related to whom. Ha Ha Busted!

But aside all that, the seth guy is cute. Thought that he's the geek in the series. Yknow the nice, loner, cute guy. And that ryan guy is the obnoxious rich daddy-o brat. Well, Dead Wrong! It's the reverse apparently. Just wonder whether the casting producer had chosen the wrong actor for each of this character. Ha! who am i to judge.

Reason for O.C's popularity sky-rocketing in just a matter of weeks of its' first premier, prolly it's fresh, it's new, it's nasty! and dawson's creek is already considered too conservative. Ha! Shocking! *in case none of you realised, i'm being sarcastic!*

You know who else is so damn-cute-no-ladies-could-ever-resist-his-charm guy... yes yes, none else than Chad michael murray. He He :"> very teeny bopper don't I? screw it. screw you. =P he is gorgeous. Well, for teen pop icon, yes. Unfortunately his tv series, one tree hill, wasn't as famous as OC. Not too many intrigues and controveries perhaps? I don't know. Never watched the damn series.

It's funny aint it? TV also has its' own generation. Well, don't have the info bout previous generation of mine. But in my time (ciee, sok tua!!) Beverly Hills 90210 was a huge hit. Followed by Dawson's Creek. Ah those times... :P

Now, it's the youngsters' time. With their O.C.
I can only say, enjoy the time watching O.C while you can. Cos baby, it won't be long til you read somewhere in tabloids - "hey that's the former O.C kid". =D

Rightio, no offense to O.C fans.

Maya

Seorang teman berkata, aku belum masuk dalam tahap jatuh cinta. Katanya, Hati-hati jika sudah terjerumus ke dalam kisah tiada pasti itu. Trauma menjadikan dia terlalu berhati-hati dan curiga akan situasi hatinya. Aku bukanlah siapa-siapa, bukanlah venus yang bisa mengerti keadaan hati seseorang - let alone hatiku sendiri. Tapi apakah dibawah sadarku, aku juga sudah terdoktrin untuk menjadi seseorang yang terlalu takut untuk hidup dalam realita? Karena trauma ataukah hanya karena aku yang tidak sadar memilih untuk menghindar dari semua itu? Aku tidak merasa aku menghindar. Sebaliknya, aku mencoba mencari. Tapi pikiran dan hatiku tidak seimbang dan tidak selangkah. Mungkin itu yang menyebabkan aku tidak pernah merasakan bahagia dan pahitnya cinta. Iya, aku bercerita tentang cinta. Itu adalah cinta.

Aku hanya seseorang yang tidak bisa memberi cinta dan merasakan cinta, karena hatiku sudah beku. True, no lies.
Aku punya kehidupan mayaku sendiri, pikiran-pikiran melayang hanya di kepalaku sendiri, aku hanyalah seorang introvert possessing my own world in my own mind-set. Seorang individualis, yang merasa tidak membutuhkan orang-orang lain dan menganggap mereka tidak penting di hidupnya. Semua itu bermula dari pikiran-pikirannya yang mengatakan bahwa mereka tidak membutuhkannya. Hence I become an outcast drift away from humanity. Ergo, aku tidak pernah lagi memberi cinta karena aku sudah letih untuk mencoba. Tapi, aku tidak pernah berhenti berharap akan suatu mimpi yang indah. Iya, kini aku hanya bisa bermimpi. Karena aku sudah tidak tahu bagaimana menghadapi realitas.
Kehidupanku ini hanyalah maya semata.

Lover

Baby would you come over...
elude me from the frantically boredom existence..
Am I insanely insecure or Am I desperately in need for solace companion...
Ahh... I'm so much in agony I couldn't breath
Dear you,
would you try to notice the existence of a simple life, albeit dreary, miss repellent.

Lover, you shoud've come over...
I'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to break free and run

Ahh.. i gaze at the starry night sky
I see nothing but your cheeky and annoying smile

Where have you been?
Where have you gone?
Will you be coming home to a place filled with love and laughter?
You won't be alone, m'dear.
I want you to want me...
My crazy beautiful misery.

Breezy Autumn

Hello there, we meet again.
Welcome to a new beginning, a new year of two-double O-five.
Here you are... came without invitation and yet, people knew at sometime you'll be there.
Yes, you are the annually awaited season of each year.

Brown leaves scattered on the ground.
Blown by the breezy air...
The Autumn Leaves,
Have fallen from the sky

Oh how i've realised one year has passed.
Trees and leaves have come and gone...
Yet, the life of me keep standing still on this ditch where I lie
Oh what am I
But a dreamer with empty hands...

One

And so you say just the words,
that you wanted us to hear
Doctored prose for the world,
while you help us breed our fears
But you're not winning, some are grinning,
realising that it's just a lesson,
Every empire had had its day,
and in the end someone has always paid

We are all one,
despite governments
And we are strong,
our time is gonna come
*George

Books and Shakespeare

Thursday night, a fine day where most people start to plan their fun-loving weekend. But me, well.. fun is not on schedule for this weekend. NOOOOO
instead, i'll be crammed in library filled with books. And yet, I'm still not the genius Einstein. Why is that you wonder?
I won't be able to have a glimpse of amusement 'til the sunday next ends. Would someone just wake me up when sunday ends? Or better, wake me up when june ends. So that I'll wake up when holiday start and the wintry weather would cool me down. Aah.. xtreme fab!

Dear James,
After years of expensive education
A car full of books and anticipation
Why I'm still no expert on Shakespeare?

[well simple answer really, You NEVER EVER studied shakespeare you moron!]

Well, Darlings...
'til the time comes...
Fun and relax will not be in the dictionary anymore...
No life, indeed.
No joke.

=Kosong=

Aduh Aduh
Hatiku terganggu
Aduh Aduh
Pikiranku melayang
Kosong Kosong Kosong
Tiada isi apapun
Tereak ayo tereakkkk!!!
Hancurkan semua kebosanan dunia
Hidupkan dunia
Terutama duniaku! Hidupku!
Tolong...
Aku terjebak di dalam kekosongan hati dan pikiran
Melayang tiada tentu
Tanpa terarah dan tanpa tujuan
Di perpotongan sebuah jalan
Jalan kehidupan dunia

Weather Forecast

today's weather forecast, Melbourne - Victoria sunday april 03, 2005

FORECAST
Sun, Apr 3

Rain
min: 24°C
max: 23°C


Whoever updated the weather website, is a bloody moron. ghakhakhakhak.. i know i know just another typo but still, the interpretation cud be catastrophic... dun u think?
anyhow, posted it merely it's fuckin funny. The world has turned upside-down. bizzarro (!)

Karena Cinta

Hari ini... adalah lembaran baru bagiku
Ku disini... karna kau yang memilihku
Tak pernah kuragu akan cintamu
Inilah diriku dengan melodi untukmu
*Joy

Ever heard that menye2 song? Yes, it was sung by Joy the "former" Indonesian Idol winner. And yes, I love that song. Shocking isnt it? Well, for those who knows me V. well... listening those leme2 song and actually ADMITTING to like the song -nono, LOVING the song- is quite an outrageous thing. Dunno why, first listened the song in my friend's car while we're driving off from south yarra... and suddenly, daymn this song is good.

Unfortunately(!) my sis has the song in one of her "burned" cd. Ergo, copied it into my computer and never stop listening to it -day and night and day again-
Inspired by that menye song -and among others menye2 song such as glenn, marcel, SITI NURHALIZA!! *oh god!*- the unseemingly falling in love posting was then created. It may seem as if I'm falling in love, but unfortunately.. no i'm not in love. It was just a glimpse of a phantom of the mind. I've Never been in love, and dunno when it'll hit me hard ;)

Yknow what, I just realised that listens to Joy's song over and over and... over again, you'll fancy the idea of a wedlock. *geez*. Again, for those who knows me V. well would extremely shocked if I happened to frenzy an early wedlock. Yes, never fond of such thought in my life. So, having realised the frenziness, I've stopped the music... particularly the menye2, lovey dovey, foolish dreams type of music. Suddenly, all that is sickens me. Completely and Utterly.

Dan bila aku berdiri tegar sampai hari ini
Bukan karna kuat dan hebatku
Semua karena cinta, semua karena cinta...
Tak mampu diriku dapat berdiri tegar, terima kasih cinta

Not being an expert or -most importantly- a wiseass(!), That lyric is a mere fantasy, illusion or maybe too unreal to be true don't u think? well just listens to this, "Terima kasih cinta, semua karena cinta.. kuat dan hebat, berdiri tegar.." Gaaaahhh... why do people cherish the four-letter word so badly? Well prolly I ask myself with such question cos i never know the true meaning of the four-letter word. Meaning, I can only envy people who have felt it and thus cherish the enchanted melody of a four-letter word.

For I merely felt utopian in a fool's paradise...
(daymn another meaningless sentence!)