Am I another Reality Runaway?

Takut. Gelisah & Galau hati gue. Ternyata gue masih sama seperti anak sekolahan yang dulu tinggal belasan taun di sebuah kota besar bernama Jakarta. Pisah beribu2 mil jauhnya ternyata gak menjanjikan kalau gue akan berbeda dari diriku di masa lalu. Krisis yang (seharusnya) hanya ada disaat seorang cewek menjelang dewasa (a.k.a ABG) ternyata masih berlangsung sampai sekarang.

Di hadapan mereka, gue masih terlihat seperti si kecil thumbelina. A women sunk in a thumb-size fairy form. Tapi ya tentunya, gue bukan fairy. Kenapa sih gue gak bisa memenuhi standards seorang higher educatee seperti mereka-mereka yang berada di ruangan itu? Eh tunggu dulu, seseorang pernah berkata, arti kata dari standards itu menunjukkan excellence, attainment. Jadi, kalau gue aja gak memenuhi standards seperti mereka-mereka itu, apa ini artinya gue dibawah standards? Ah, rendah sekali "derajat"ku dibanding mereka. Tetapi, apa ini hanya salah satu dari pemikiran2 absurd gue?

Lalu, kesimpulannya bagaimana?
Rasa takut gue tetep aja exist. Nggak ilang hanya dengan buaian omong kosong seperti ini. Masih aja gue merasa kecil seperti si thumbelina. Sama sekali nggak membuat diri gue tiba-tiba menjadi sangat berpengetahuan luas dan pintar kan?

Ah, kayaknya nggak ada yang gue pelajari dari curahan kata hati ini. Lega juga nggak. Huuh!! Solusinya apa donk? Gue gak mau omong kosong lagi. Berharap hanya kepastian yang menjadi jawaban dari ketakutan2 gue.

Atau...
gue harus melarikan diri lagi?
Again, do another act of running away from unsatisfying situation? Merely too afraid to confront the new envo? Yes, that sounds exactly like me.

Sigh, Kalau begini apa jadinya diri gue setaun mendatang? Ketika pintu sangkar itu sudah saatnya untuk dibuka. Kemana gue harus mulai melangkah? Sedangkan sekarang saja berada di lingkup sekecil ini gue hanya duduk menatap mereka bernari-nari dan berkicau riuh. Apakah gue seorang abnormal karena menganggap semua ini bukan permainan belaka? Kehidupan ini bukan lah sebuah Reality TV, dimanapun kamu kalah selalu ada berjuta-juta hadiah menunggu untuk diterima dengan tangan terbuka dan senyum sumringah?
NGGAK!
Atau paling tidak, bukan hidup gue.
NO. My life ain't a Reality TV show.

Ooh La La ~

POG. SIXSATIONAL !!
[ p.255 ]

Aaahh...
Oooh La La :">
*ABG Ketinggalan Jaman*

Really want to write much much more. Yet, it is way to embarassing even to this page.
Ha Ha
For those who can break the code. Shh.. keep it secret. Keep it safe, okay ;-)

..If it were up to Me...
Who I want to Meet:
You, who see me when I'm invisible.

You Think You Know...

Someone you always treat as your best-est friend throughout your twenty-ish years of life.
... May not so be your closest comprade after all.
Eight Years have gone by without notice.
One common teen hysteria that brought us together.
You and me, and the Brothers.
Our teenage years soon expired.
We made some sort of a "vow" to not rift our friendship apart after the expiration year lapsed.

Our inner-self is quite similar to one another. That is, our introversive personality matched!
I tried to be more ambiversive towards people, most of all to the dearests companions of mine. This include 'the best friend'.
But you know, I am to act alone. For she is still silent as the flowing withery wind.
I suppose I shouldn't expect her to change as I changed.
Yet now I realised..
After eight whole years vindicted as dearest friend, I sometimes feels as we are actually two strangers.
All things significant in my life have already been told... This is not true for the other party.
I seem to know very few of a person thought to be the friend.

Dearest,
Life looks much better in a black & white perspective.
Do you still have no trust in Me?

Eerie Feeling of Goodbye

I hate goodbyes
Although goodbyes don't necessarily be forever departed, nevertheless, a tad of sadness is amusingly to obscure. I shudnt say amusing, shud i? Considering there is no amusement watsoever in such due course.
Yet loosing someone you know, whom doesn't ought to be your very close encounter, is tough break to deal with. They have come and gone, and you know this will not end. There are more to come that need to apprehend.
You live in a divided world, hence, this is all you will come upon for years ahead. A strong bond might be one solution, yet it is difficult for a solo ranger.

Needless to say...
I just hate Farewell.

Adieu Amico Vero..

Is it a mistake?

Am I insane?

I'm not even a part of the family. Yet, would it be a mistake If I feel as if losing someone real close and, maybe, exclusive?
I'm kidding myself arent I? Dumb.
I'm mesmerized, not from the first day I am not. But few days afterwards.
Yet, it was a different kind of feeling.
Very different from the others I've felt.

A lady woke me up from the fantasy. Hey girl, the man is protective and V. understanding ...somehow resemblence V. Brotherly type.
Do you not see?

Well, Now I do.
But Now it is just too damn late.

I don't know what I'm saying.
Maybe... a mere goodbye?
Maybe... see you soon?
-Or Maybe-
.... Keep in touch?

No idea.
Forever mute is how I communicate.

Fresh Start. New Resolution.

Yep. It's that week again. New fresh semester.
Another 3 whole months cramped with books, assignments, and fellow classmates.
I shud start with new resolution for this brand new semester, shudnt I?
Since I didn't cope quite well for my 1st semester. Prolly by creating a list of resolutions would gimme some goals or target that I have to achieve by the end of sem.
Is it a good idea though? Hm, I have my doubts considering it is me we're talking about.

Nevertheless, I shud try my best to fulfill all of the resolutions I lay down below.
Alrighty, First thing first.

.University
Read more. Every bit of each Text and newspapers and business-like-magazines.
Be smart and less intimidated.
Be more vocal(!!)
Put 300% efforts on assignments and exams. No more laziness and do-it-later tasks!
Don't go cheap. BUY TEXTS!!
Read the outlines. Cover all the recommended Texts and borrow ahead of time from lib! A.MUST.IT.IS!
Hm, Suck up to lecturers? he he he *devilish smile*

.Non-Academic
Find a job! Seriously, no crap talk this time okay!
Stop whining. Stop feeling pity for yourselves. Stop acting depressed. Stop feeling outcasted. DO SOMETHING! (as if it's easy to actually act on it compared to just writing it all down. blah)
Do something exciting for once. Seek adventures if you dare! (unlikely to be done, but still writing it down just as if I'd do it sometime in the future.. hehe)
Read more lit. Get some knowledge will you!
Oh, this is also important.. Get some fun! Don't be so Uptight all the time. Just let loose and have some laughs.
Stop waiting and expecting for fairytales to happen.
Also, mark this, He's not into you. It's just your mind talking. Your mind twists your feelings really bad. It really got you confused. So Wake up!

Overall, the resolution is for you to feel joyous throughout the sem. Don't crowd yourselves with your own mind. Stop thinking and do something, for once!

..And maybe learn some magic. Ha Ha!

Okay. That's all for now.
Exit the biatch.

Shallow & Intimidation

Not gonna elaborate much.

Ever feel that you might be the shallow-est person in the whole wide world?
Maybe not the whole world, but on a lighter surrounding perhaps. Only in small group, and there you are.. nothing you could say or express becos none in mind. You and me are very diff human being. Things are just hard to explain, but there's one scene in both Friends and O.C that reflects the current situation.

At one scene, Joey feel so stupid and bit left out from the rest of the gang cos, well, he doesn't have all the social knowledge of the surroundings. In a nutshell, he's not critical of his surroundings and envos.

At another relevant topic diff series (generation Y, yes TV info all the way!),
Summer on O.C when met Zach's fam, whom by the way the intellectual family, was being downgraded for not being smart enough and is a shallow minded teenager. All she knows are clothes, boys, parties and of course.. booze. They are not very pleased and certainly no chemistry there.

Sometimes..
Being shallow minded person and noncrucial youngsters can be easily intimidated by other people. Not one hella joy ride!
Maybe it's true, being a genius on something (or everything?) would not be so bad after all. But hell, there aint a genius-genus-shop available now is there?
Self-esteem would be one matter as well. Ah well, long journey to reach self-actualization anyway. A long long journey, indeed.

OH well, This is just another boring note of mine.
I'm bored and none to write but an unhappy post.
Adios amigos.
This is De.Press.Ing.

Summer ..... a Journal.

.Saturday, January 22, 2005

Okay,
here I am.
Back to my nature, supposedly. Nothing's pleasing me as yet. I still cannot feel comfort in my own home. I havent been gone for long, a year is not a long period of time I presume. However, I feel as I'm disgusted with everything, in every single corner. I may sound obnoxious or arrogant by now. A snobby-lil -bitchy-miss-richy-rich, I am.
Pathetic...

I whined about every little detail, I comment on every ornament in every room. But you have to know.. this place has another feeling when u'r in it. It's oddly different from each of the apartments I've lived in. Complete difference.
Ah well, maybe some adjustments in few days will do. Come to think of it, all I've said may sounds very bizzarre. Well get this, I was born and raised and lived in this place for almost entirely my life. I've only spent 3.5 years out, now suddenly I need adjustments in the old place instead of the place I've only lived in for 3.5 years? That's ridiculous. Ridiculous as it is, this is how I feel. I never said I'm normal.. I'm quite oddly myself, as always.

Anyhoo, the situation here back "home" is not entirely convincing enuf to be called as home anymore, generally speaking that is.
The whole idea of universe have been all mixed up here. Everything so messed up. Every views they presented are completely the reverse of mine. All the party goers and bling blang life really disgusts me. I know, I know.. don't be such a naive lil miss conservative. I saw people there also hard on party goers and bling blang homeboys/girls. But I don't know, in here all those things are really repugnance. It seems as if those bling blang life is the world they should and have to be in. They're crowded in it and make a huge meaning out of it. It doesn't seem right. People only seen in one single mode of life. Whilst there shud be a loads varieties of mankind and life streams. Am I being too cynical or too naive?
Do I only see the world in one blinded eye?

I wonder maybe she's true.
That is,
I've never taste the real bitter sweet symphony of life in my twenty-one years of living in a universe called earth. Hence, I always have my own picture perfect world in my mind. Meanwhile, the world doesn't run as it is portrayed in my mind.
I always have this perspective of mine..
I'm just a little bird in a cage. Born and raised. I always got fed and well-nurtured. Never left the cage, neither have a thought of leaving it and fly free in a wide sky. Too afraid is the reason. Ergo, everything I saw and experienced are not much. The people around me are all the people who knew one another. They probably my master's friends and relatives. I may have few companions of myself with no relation to master. However, they are not many. For they maybe just people who thinks I'm trustworthy, quiet and good listener. But why not, for I am.. a quiet little birdie in a cage, too mute to enunciate.

Outside the cage,
World is happening. People live, people starve, people killed, people betrayed, people happy, people cruel. That is life, I assume.
I learned that we are not to question what is God intention with the meaning of life. Then I thought, what do brain, conscience and knowledge have in purpose when combined? To have an opinion of something, isn't it? Even the simplest mind can think. God created all those for us. Hence, can we not use em when something came up? Doesn't every effect has its' cause? I won't smell smoke when there's no fire burning around, will I? When cause has been ticked off, there are always consequences. Albeit in a tiniest form, such as words of theory or question.
People questioned everything, anything. Well, now it's not nothing, it's not anything.. it's something. Does it One's mistake for questioning these things? Surely hope not.

You know,
Maybe One's view doesn't have to be all similar to the others. Just need to cope with the life exists now. However, to adjust doesn't necessarily need to pull everything in and becomes of what you are not. Easy to say rather than actual action, as always.

Forever cynical, hey it's me!

Outcast
Have you ever felt outcast? An outsider because of you choose to be one. The reason is merely you don't have the same taste, the same view, the same thought as everybody else. Still, no word can come out of your mouth to overcome the differences.
They seems to be proud of themselves, of what they achieved. Speaking of a particular one here. I cannot seem to connect in any of her point of views. For they all seems so deceitful. Then again, am I being too naive? To immature to understand and comprehend all those bitterness of real world. Silence is how I communicate. Merely, if I unlock the spoken words, terrified of what others would cry out to me or worse, about me(!) Ah, an outcast world perhaps a better world.

.Thursday, January 27, 2005

When do you think you know the true side of those closest people of yours? You think you know all in and out, but you actually don't. You may think certain people are the people who understands you perfectly and they'd be the ones who'll stuck with you and stay around when you feel faint. Truth is, they may not stay nor stick around forever. One day, you may have the change of mind. The reason is a mere simple one, responsibility. The thing is, they have none! And that upsets me and quite terribly revolting I would say.

I kept wondering, do emotion controls every living human being in this God forsaken land? If it is, then no wonder the world is in a huge dump of nuisances and mishaps. Tried to restrain emotion for the sake of reaching the whole meaning of serenity in life ;for once in one's life. Apparently, silence may not so golden anymore. Things are misconstrued terribly hence joy is not widely spread m'dear. Truly is a dreadful scene to be seen.

Further note,
I keep thinking what made them transformed from such sympathetic and greatly mature crowd to meaningless, inconsiderate, self-centered, resentful human beings? Was I too young to acknowledge the true meaning of those considerate eyes? Never fond of the idea to prattle behind one's back, however some things are not entirely best to be kept hidden. Eventhough it is not well said in a proper vocal, but it is the better. Hope to ascertain the story that is currently well-concealed to be known in more suitable manner. For the unknown to yet be acknowledged.

M'dearests,
You are the companions that I truly love to be around with when I was younger. The people whom I trust with open arms. My comfort zone is centered around yours truly, a peace of mind at times you spoke those words.
And yet now,
All those gone.
Was I too fragile at those days? Even just to open my blinded-eyes? Was I stepped on the wrong foot? Was it just another unfortunate mistake of mine?
Ah here go again,
An Infinite question mark of my own.
Truly is,
A dark circle of life.

.Saturday, January 29, 2005

Mistakes are extremely common among beings. I've made gazillion mistakes, You've made millions of mistakes, as everybody elses.
Then comes regret. It's like a path, walk down the aisle, that sort of path.
Years back, parents told kids all things that they should do or don't. Not so little that other adults began to interfere - or more proper word is, gave "opinions" - throughout our kiddies' life. Not to be rude and disrespectful, however doesn't it time for it to end? Yes, I know we don't live alone. That is why we have families, to support and to slightly interfere in each others' lives. Without any further meddling in much more personal causes. But yes, every one of us always tried to meddle. Cannot help it, it's genetic.

Personally, yes it is extremely excruciating.
However, doesn't necessarily One's like to be ignored.
Complex how a mind's works. Or is it just mine alone?
The nature of a person is obviously unlocked. Not a pleasant reading for some people, specially those who thought they've known such person. Yet, it's a discovery of One's true self to have finally able to see One's true form in front of the shiny glass of mirror.

At a certain age, One's doesn't really approve of such being judged and guru-ed. Life cannot be controled, not even mine. However, no need to steer in every move One's made. Let every mistakes by One's own. For no one doesn't necessarily be blamed but One's self. Easier and judgemental-free zone.

.Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Oddly Done
Another year comes, Another year passed, Another year forgotten.
This is how we live our lives. Living in a place called mother earth, in search for an eternity happiness and serenity. At one time, you were babies; innocent and so adorably charming in such mischievous ways. However, all melts away in such glimpse of an eye, that is when you reached adulthood.
People may seems funny to apes, why?
Cos at one time you had an expectation to grow too quickly and forgot to enjoy childhood while you can. Another time when the ground seems much closer, the only thing you ever wanted is to go back in time, to be that innocent adorable mischevous kid again. Yes, it is a journey of a grown up to childhood. A reverse path, don't you think?

At what point do singletons realised they need to become a pair? And what comes after the duo has been fulfilled? A trio, quatro? What if those don't flow well and ends well? What will happen then?

When a bassinet has arrived at the next of the bed, is that the time we need to overlook our past and copied what our seniors have had done? Tragic how everything keeps repeating in our life. Past can never be just forgotten and slipped away. It always crawling back to us in a manner that none of us would've realised, perhaps. I wonder what will I become in years to come? Horrifying just to imagine, for the images can never be lucid.

A life,
A tragic kingdom.


Infatuation
A certain feeling occurs, not continuously but constantly. Once, twice, thrice it has occurred. At first it is assumed as a true feeling, since One never felt such emotion before. However, the more thoughts came to mind.. was it just a mere infatuation?
When does One realises that such feeling is not a true meaning of affection but it's just a pure infatuation? Can infatuation becomes affection? Or the consequences only comes in obsession? Worst part of any emotion.
Have not reached to the second joyful ride. Only from one then jumped to third. Without ever came to second base. Sad, indeed.
It's a mistake one likes to carry on for an infinite period of time, I spose.


Smokes
Been in a city for a month. Live a different vibe of atmosphere. Don't like to judge but hey.. it’s the nature of One's life. Resistance, for I cannot.
Only one thing I hardly can tolerate. Smokes, of any kinds. However, it seems I cannot runaway from it. All around me are covered with smokes. They were blown at every minutes of time, every places, every living being in this jammed city. Worst of all, consideration of the other beings are never came to mind to those people. As if we do not breathe the same air as they are. Careless, they trully are. Kids' fresh air has been taken away. For there are nowhere for them to runaway. Reason is simple, the smokes come from the people closest to those kiddies, and they don't care. The senseless act that could easily ruin their own offspring every little baby step at a time. Sad, how they do not understand the result of their own act.

People, open up your eyes. These are your future generation. Do Not let them live with a smokey heart. Pump your heart and clutch your brain, wake up from this twisted timezone. It's a new world. Cant you see?

in the Mist of the Night

A black man stand
amongst the shadow of this night.
Lights are so bright
..outside.
noise noise.. So much noise.
what do you see from up the balcony?
Are all just another faux luxuries?

I looked up the balcony door.
Yet you are gone
Do you even glare?
Not even to acknowledges the darkness of a moving engine.
Of course youre not.