ticking tock

tick tick tick
see, it's starting to tick again.
the clock..
no one can see it.. and it doesn't always ticking..
it has stopped for a quite some time,
but now.. it begins.
Dont know how everything's going to be..
no one knows.
I wonder it myself..
for it is my ticking clingy clock.

One Day

it hit me hard.
Down to the core.
The realization of my inner self is now widely open.
How?
one day..
an independent, yet struggling young single mother blurt her heart out.
And the words, that exact words..
pin me down the my deepest conscience..

"honey, your not deppresed. You're just lazy. And I dont respect you."

maybe that is all of me too..
i'm not depressed as I always rambles about,
maybe all i am is...
a lazy ass bitch who thinks too much about life
however, when reality checks in..
She's never really taste the actual outside world.

perhaps it's true,
am too caught up with myself, selfish to say.
never really know the true life outside the cage.
Merely, am too afraid.
Afraid to experience the unexpected.
Hence,
it is all just a big misunderstanding..
of one's state of mind.

kehidupan itu bernama perjalanan

I quote that phrase somewhere I found browsing the net.

I used to believe that life is moving onwards.
I dont anymore.
Why?
Mine is running backwards.
bizarre, innit?
I wonder it myself...

A boy who wouldnt grow up

Neverland is his world.

The everlasting mortality in a form of a young boy. Pretentious life he leads dont you think? "Life at any time can become difficult: life at any time can become easy. It all depends upon how one adjusts oneself to life" U see, although it may be true, but to adjust is not a simple aspect to be done. Thus would you rather live a pretentious life, until the end; or would you rather live in reality with all its' twists and tortuous life every now and then. You choose. Cos what you have til the end, it's all yours... not mine to retain.
However, let me tell you now
life is not all beauty, mdear.
enigmatic as it may be, reality will be the only path every living kin to choose.

I remember my glimpse of moment when I too had lost my childhood and became a grown up. I too understand the reasons for immortal childhood. I understand, for I've been there before. A moment, which I once thought of the same wish.

a peculiar desire, indeed.
Yet undoubtedly obscure happiness persists.
Welcome to what-once-was a thought of a perfect world.

A Foolish Mistake

On a bright sunny day both of these cheeks becomes red. Not to blame the mighty sun dear one, for it was the frailty of one's hand that made about. She slapped this face from reaching out the reality. Fear to confront of what is real. Tried to deceive everyone's sight. For she then regretted that false doing. Ashamed, once more. This time, proof lying around. M'dear, you've lost your heart that mere moment.
A minute later senses came back to you, but alas.. they came too late. For she should defy whatever lies in front. Then allow everyone sees the person she really is. But for now, she chose a sizzling journey. A fool's life with all attempts to elude from the camaraderie around One's self. Even thou she knows,
all 'twas...
a foolish mistake.

Silence

I wanna do something. I want to help. I'm not a heartless human being. I'm ashamed of myself. I feel I've betrayed everyone. It seems to them that I'm just a high pitch somebody that cares nothing but herself. But I am not that person. I trully am not. Am too afraid. TOo afraid to come out of my shell. I do feel the ache deeply in my heart. AM ashamed of my own self. I feel sick of myself. I really want to help, i really do. Help me to overcome fear. I feel like am dancing above those helpless needs. Ya tuhan, aku mesti gimana? Gimana cara aku ngilangin ketakutan ini? Aku bukan orang itu Ya Allah. Aku bukan orang itu, tapi aku gak bisa membuktikannya. Aku malu. Aku feel am the lowest of the lowest person in the world. Aku seakan" menutup mata biarpun mataku sudah terbuka lebar. Tiap hari, setiap detik, dengan segala cara dan upaya membukakan mataku dengan semua kenyataan ini.. tapi maafkan aku karena mataku tetap terlihat tertutup. Tapi aku tidak menutup mataku. Pikiranku terlalu kuat untuk di terjang. Hatiku kalah. Ashamed I am of myself, and pain stroke me inside. Namun Kepalaku tetap memblokir rasa perhatianku. Aku kalah.
Maaf,
ya cuma itu yang bisa aku lakukan saat ini.

images

watch one image to another over and over again. minute by minute, hours til the next. apa salah kalo gue ngerasa sedih? aneh kalo gue pengen nangis? biarpun gue tau itu gak ada hubungannya sama gue. Dan kali ini bukan ketakutan yang suddenly kicked my chest. Dada gue sakit. Mata gue berusaha sebisa mungkin nahan segala emosi yang bisa meluap at unexpected times. Tapi sampe kapan gue bisa nahan? Gue gak bisa ngebayangin jadi salah satu teman/sodara/adek/kakak/tante dari mereka yang sudah hilang ditelan kemarahan luapan air. Laut itu jahat ya? Never really liked the ocean, i used to believe that it was a comforting place to be. But now.. I dont.

Kenapa berita itu biarpun kita perlu, tapi kadang terlihat tidak manusiawi? Gue gak tahan ngliat keadaan yang ada, dan cuma diem bengong menganga. Nangis, gue terlalu gengsi. Meskipun gue tau, there's nothing to be ashamed of here. Nothing. It's alright for someone to cry for someone else, thou nothing has to be related to that person. Do you see?
Gue bukan orang itu. Dan gue tetap gak bisa nangis di kesendirian gue.

Heran gue, seluruh dunia berduka.. negara hancur... salah satu kota besar di kepulauan itu telah ilang ditelan bumi, mayat bergelimpangan dengan sangat tidak manusiawinya.. tetep aja manusia di belahan bumi lain sibuk dengan diri mereka sendiri. Atau gue yang sangat tidak ada kerjaan terlalu caught up in the moment, this moment in time?
Terlihat mereka2 yang selamat, well true they survived from the waves.. tapi apa mereka akan selamat setelahnya? This is the question here, Will they survive on the aftermath? Semuanya terlihat tidak manusiawi. Nothing is anymore.

Mungkin gue gak tau seberapa susahnya hidup mereka sekarang. Tapi bala bantuan itu terlihat bertebaran dimana-mana. Apa perlu mereka diperlakukan seperti hewan2 dalam sangkar yang menunggu jam makan mereka untuk tersedia dan berlomba-lomba siapa cepat dan tangkas, dia dapat? Cmon people, they've suffered enuf. Cant you do anything civilized to the very least to them? Apart from all the aides they need, they also need friends. They've been thru that none of you -even me- cant compare to. Bukan maksud menggurui. Semuanya bukti dari visual images terlihat di layar kecil gue. Televisi, of what's it called.

When will it be over? Kiamat? Well, to them.. it has started.

Precious moments

· love that word "relationship". Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it? I fear that this has become a bad relationship. A relationship based on the President taking exactly what he wants and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, erm... Britain. We may be a small country but we're a great one, too. The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter. David Beckham's right foot. David Beckham's left foot, come to that.

· But for now, let me say
Without hope or agenda
Just because it's Christmas
(And at Christmas you tell the truth)
To me, you are perfect
And my wasted heart will love you

To me, you are perfect.
- dido, here with me

· It's my favorite time of day, driving you.
It is the saddest part of my day, leaving you.

· Would you stay, knowing that life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?
Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. The classic fool.
Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish too.


All of those are dramatically romantic. But also a fairy tale of love.
A romantic comedy?